Bits and Pieces {of the whole}

Living for me; and finding my niche

For a large part of my life I have tried to please everyone else in my life, and have always put myself last. In the last year or so I have started learning to live my life for me. I mean if I don't do it who will? It is still a struggle. I think that part of me will always want to please and do anything I can to help others. I am not so sure that's entirely a bad thing. 

But I think I have found the perfect way to live my life for me *AND* help and please others. Nursing. I started nursing school in June. It has been an adventure to say the least. 

I go to school here, at UAMS. 

It is the best decision I have ever made. For one, it forced me to move to Little Rock...best thing I have ever done for myself. Second, I have met so many incredible people in my college and in other colleges on campus. Our instructors are so knowledgeable; I only hope that I can have a fraction of their knowledge ten years from now.  The resources that we have are far beyond anything that any other nursing school in the state have at their disposal. The hospitals that we utilize for our clinicals are incredible. 

So far I have completed my Foundations classes and my Pediatric rotation. I knew when I started nursing school that pediatrics is the area I wanted to work. So I was happy when it was my first rotation. We were lucky enough to have our pediatric clinicals at Arkansas Children's Hospital. 

I can't tell you how much I love that hospital. I am going to save all of my stories about my clinicals there for another post. *THAT* is how amazing those 7 weeks were!

The only bad thing about having my pediatric rotation first is that now I have to endure the two things I have absolutely no interest in...obstetrics and psych. I can not tell you how much I do not want to see child birth. I have no interest. None. I like babies. I would love to work in the NICU, but I have no interest in the actual birthing part. 

As for psych; let's just say I have had my fair share of experience with psychotic people. Some are patients that I see while at work, some are related to me, and some were in my life for various other reasons. Psych does not interest me, but I think it may have interesting areas. 

Today I started my obstetrics rotation. I am scared to death. I do not want to do this. I want to just go back to pediatrics. I don't want to see the things I am going to have to see. I do not want to check the things I am going to have to check. I do not want to hear the screams that I am going to have to hear. But, I am going to try and keep a positive attitude and just make it through these few weeks. Hopefully they will pass quickly and without any disasters!

Let's catch some babies!

Oh nine!

I love the feeling that comes with the new year. It is like a new beginning. A chance to strat fresh and actually make the changes that you have been contemplating for months. 

Usually I make a resolutions list every year, but I decided against the list this year. I am going to take a different approach. Instead I made a list of different aspects of my life such as 'family', 'friends', 'me'...etc and each month I am going to pick something for each category that I want to change or do more of. So I will slowly add to each group. 

The thing I always hated about my resolution list was that I was staring a new year with the freshness feeling and then I bombarded myself with this huge list of things that needed to be 'fixed'. It was such a downer! So I refurbed the way I am doing it. 

One of the biggest things I want to change is how often I see my family members. With many of my cousins joining facebook I see their families growing and changing and I don't feel like a part of it. I hate that. We used to be such a close family and now that we are in every part of the state we don't see one another as much. That is the one thing that I will change before 2010. I want to get to know all of my second cousins and form better relationships with my cousins. 

2008 brought so many changes to my life. I am a completely different person than the one that entered 2008. I would have never dreamed the changes that have come to light. I love it! All of the changes have been great...and I really feel like I am finally becoming me. (If that makes any sense.) 

Here is to hoping that 2009 brings about change and development that I could never dream or wish for... 

thankful to be exactly where I'm meant to be

I am definitely not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but at the same time I am exactly where I am meant to be. The twist and turns that my life has taken are not what I dreamed of as a little girl. Everyone wants that perfect fairytale life, but life just isn't a fairytale. At certain points in my life I thought that I was truly happy. The happiest that a person could be...I thought that I had it all. But I can now truly say that I had no idea what happiness was. Many people could look at my life now and say that there is no way I am happier now; that I must have been happier when I was married or when I was in college or even in high school. 

But it just isn't true. 

I may have thought during those milestones that life couldn't get any better, but I am so very happy that I was wrong. 

For the first time in my life I can say that I know I am exactly where I'm meant to be. 

I am doing what I was put on Earth to do. 

I am experiencing things that I could have never imagined. 

And I am loving every minute of it. 

I am so thankful for the turns that my life has taken to lead me to this place. It wasn't an easy ride, but it has been well worth it. 

I knew it all along....

From the first time that Melissa and I sat at a crop together I knew that there was something very intriguing about her. We quickly became friends and scrapping buddies. She is such an inspiration to me in everything that she does. Being a mom,  a wife, a friend, and an amazing scrapbooker. 

Finally someone else recognizes what I have seen from the begining. She was chosen as a Memory Makers Master for 2009. I can not tell you what an amazing accomplishment this is....or how excited I am for her!! 

Congrats M....I knew it all along!

Memory Makers Magazine Announcement

I can't wait to see where you go from here!!!

relieved beyond measure

dad received great news. he will be placed on the transplant list. well, once the strogyloides are removed from his intestine.

tuesday was the longest day i have ever lived. i had class from 9:00 to 12:00 and again from 1:00 to 6:00. mom said that the transplant coordinator said she would call sometime that morning. so i had my cell phone on vibrate...waiting for the text message. not a text message from my mom; because she refuses to add texting to her cell phone. but a text message from cindy; she works with my mom.

now, usually during the day i might get 5-10 texts; but tuesday i received a million. okay. not a million, but it seemed like it. every time it started buzzing my heart sank....is this it....i was so nervous to look. and all morning it was just friends randomly texting me. sending dumb forwards, or semi-funny jokes. (needless to say; i didn't pay much attention in class on tuesday) it was starting to give me a stomach ache. all those text messages...and then at 11:43 i received another text.

it was from cindy. not only did my heart sink; it started racing. and all the blood left my face. i was shaking. do i open it? or wait until class is over. what if it says he was rejected...how would i react? on the other hand; what if it says they accepted him? such a dilemma. i opened it. i just went with it...and opened the message. it said.......we haven't heard anything yet.

that's right. mom had cindy send me a text message saying that they had not called. uggggh. i was kind of mad, and relieved, and nauseous all at the same time.

so i continued to wait. went to lunch. and then went to lab. practiced wet to dry dressings and watched some videos. it is getting late, and i have convinced myself that my mom already knew the answer and wasn't telling me. i figured that they had rejected him and she wouldn't send it to me in a text message. and then my pocket started buzzing. i looked at my phone and it was my mom calling. i answered. and she told me that they conditionally accepted him.

i was *SO* relieved. it is amazing how tight and tense your body gets when you are nervous. i was immediately relaxed. and relieved.

i can't wait for his name to actually be placed on the list...then the real anticipation begins!

i can't sleep...

i really need to be sleeping. i have class early in the morning. but i am just lying here. wondering. worrying. becoming anxious.

 tomorrow is a determining day. a determining day in my dad's life. in my family's lives. tomorrow a committee of people will decide if my dad's name is placed on the lung transplant list. a committee of people that have never met my dad. nor my mom. nor my brother and i. they will decide. based on his medical chart, and the recommendation of his transplant coordinator. and even his coordinator we have seen less than five times.

i just wish i could be there. so that if they start to hesitate i can persuade them in the right direction. give them some guidance. make them understand that he is so much more than what his medical chart shows.

i just hate wondering and worrying. so i am going to try and stop.

and i am just going to pray.

wow. it has been a while since i posted. i didn't realize it had been so long! quite a bit has happened since i last blogged. i moved. i changed shifts at work. and i started school....again.

someone asked me the other day when i would be finished with school. and i told them my plan. finish these two years and get my BSN. work for two or three years in the ER or ICU at UAMS. and then go to CRNA school. but i will never really be done with school. i will always have continuing education classes to take. but it is okay. i like school. i am good at it. it keeps me busy and i like being busy!

speaking of school, there are already some things that bother me about this place. i am going to UAMS. for the most part i love it, but as i am sitting here typing and waiting for clinicals to start; there is a helicopter landing not more than 40 feet from me. oh, and did i mention that i am in the library!! WHO'S bright idea was that!? and the other thing that irritates me is that we have no parking. none. we park three blocks away form campus at War Memorial Stadium. yes, there is a bus that shuttles us, but i am forgetful. very forgetful. not with big stuff. just small stuff. like my freakin name badge. i always forget that thing in my car. just incase you are wondering it is not fun to ride the bus all the way through every stop and go back to your car! but now the bus driver (both of them) remind me as i am getting on the bus...."make sure you have your badge". nice!

so i finally found a place to live in little rock. i love it. my neighbors are so nice. and the ladies that run the complex are awesome. maybe once i get totally unpacked i will post some pictures of the new bachelorette pad! my favorite part is the walk in closet and my new TV...not that i am ever there to watch it. but the guys like watching sports on it. and army wives is awesome on it!

dad went to memphis last week to start the bagillion tests that have to be done before his name is placed on the transplant list. so far so good. i am so excited about him getting the transplant; well excited and nervous. real nervous. but with everything good comes a down side. in order to be placed on the list you can not have any animals. and since avery doesn't like being inside; i can not have him at my apartment. so i am looking for a good loving home for him to become a member of. i do not look forward to this. he is like my kiddo. i don't want to give him up, but there is no other way. so if you know of anyone that might like to have my baby basset hound let me know.

okay...off to clinicals!! it's neuro today!!

a new set of lungs

i am a daddy's girl. i always have been. don't get me wrong; i wouldn't trade my mom for anything, but i'm still a daddy's girl.

i was in fourth grade when my dad was diagnosed. he has emphysema. actually he has the genetic form of emphysema. it is called alpha 1- antitrypsin deficiency  . it is pretty rare. dad's case is quite severe. this year he has begun the A1AT infusions. i believe he is one of less than 20 people receiving it in Arkansas. it is helping. he hasn't been admitted to the hospital nearly as much since he has started the infusions.

even though they are helping him stay out of the hospital; i have noticed a decrease in his ability to do small tasks. his breathing is becoming quite labored. about this time last year when having a chest xray done at a doctors visit; they thought he had developed a tumor on his left lung. no one was sure if it was cancerous or not. and no one wanted to biopsy it because of the danger with his lung collapsing. so we had to wait. first it was a month. we repeated the xray and cat scan. it hadn't grown; nor had it shrunk. so we waited another month. torture i tell you. after a few months of this the spot started to shrink. so we dodged the cancer bullet.

our hurdle now is whether or not to proceed with a bilateral lung transplant. we are meeting with the transplant surgeon in memphis on wednesday.

i love medicine. i have always been fascinated with the amazing things that doctors can preform. the things that they do to save people's lives. on the other hand; how much can we really trust a human. doctors are human. they will err. it is asking for a lot of trust to just change out a set of lungs. i don't know that i would be able to trust anyone that much. but i am going. going to this surgeons office to see what he has to say. see if he is trustworthy. but it freaks me out.

sometimes i think it would be easier for me to not know so much about what is going on with my dad. then i wouldn't have to worry all the time. not that i could stop worrying, but i wouldn't know what to expect next. or what to watch for. sometimes i wish i weren't interested in medicine. or that there wasn't so much information on the internet. the stats for transplants aren't all that great.

i'm not sure that if i were in vegas; faced with the same odds as the transplant, i can't honestly say that i would double down.

but it all changes when it means being able to have a loved one in your life for another day.

for that i would give anything. anything and everything.

nate and katie

anyone who has known me very long knows that i love to take pictures. my most prized possession is my camera. in fact in some of my wildest dreams, i am a photographer. a real photographer. with a studio and everything. crazy...i know.

a couple of weeks ago one of the nurses that i work with asked me if i took senior pictures. i said no, not really, i just take pictures for fun. well she talked me into taking some pictures of her son and his girlfriend. he is nate. she is katie. they are both seniors. he has joined the marines and will be leaving shortly after graduation. she is just a super sweet girl!

here are a few of the pictures...

hope you like them!

arriving in paradise.

spring break 2008. was awesome.

i went with the Hickingbothams. they are the family that i nanny for. they are great! we left on a saturday. on my way to their house that morning i was pulled over by a very friendly state trooper for speeding. 89 in a 70 to be exact. but he was nice. he wrote the ticket, and told me to hurry...but don't speed! ummm....i was baffeled.

so i arrived at their house. we loaded the vehicles and we were off to central flying service.
to
their
jet.

i have to say, not dealing with security and all the crap that goes on in the air port was great! our flight was almost

3 and a half hours. the pilots let me come up to the cockpit and have a looksey. that was cool.

once we arrived i was immediately in love. it was warm, beautiful, and *tropical*.  i have decided that's all i need in life...a little sun, a little beach, a cute little fruity drink. I should have gone to medical school in the caribbean when i had the chance. anywho...

once we land we are loaded into a van and taken to the rental car. we are all in a 15 passenger van and a local is driving us across the island to pick up the rental. holy friholies, islanders drive just like me! it reminded me a lot of taking a taxi in mexico. seriously *crazy* fast driving. the kiddos loved it! when we arrived they did not have our car ready. so todd stayed to wait for the rental, and the nice lady dropped the rest of us off at our house.

casa cymi is the name of the house we rented. it was beautiful. there were some amazing views.  this is the view of the sunset one night from the pool in the back of the house.

todd finally makes it to the house with the rental. here is what they gave us...

we joked that our rental would allow them to remain incognito while back on the island. the boys hated the van. i have to admit, it had problems. using the air conditioner made the engine overheat. one of the doors didn't work correctly. one seat belt was missing. and there was a strange odor. but it served its purpose. if it had spinners the boys would have *loved* it!

stay tuned for adventures in paradise....